I showed my friend the ladder in my garage. I told him it was my step-ladder; I never knew my real ladder.
My friend blocked me on Facebook because I use too many bird puns. Toucan play this game!
I’m not a fan of elevator music. It’s bad on so many levels.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on weekdays. I said “I don’t know, maybe it’s my weekend immune system”.
My girlfriend complains I never buy her flowers. To be honest I never knew she sold flowers.
I made a graph of all my past relationships. There was an “EX” axis and a “WHY” axis.
I have two dogs named Rolex and Timex – they’re watch dogs.
Yesterday I opened my water bill and electric bill at the same time; I was shocked!
I used to work at a Pepsi Cola plant, but I left because it was soda pressing.
I lost my girlfriend’s audio book, now I’m never going to hear the end of it.