Pop-Country Song Demo - "What Next?" Advice Needed

[ant_in_wales]

Happy NuYear y'all

I've accidentally written a romantic, optimistic pop/country song for female voice, which is a shame as I'm a man with no knowledge of the pop-country scene.

So my question is - what next?
I've recorded a basic demo of me singing it for you to listen to.
Do you think it's finished? Is it any good?
And then what?
Yes, it would be good to have a demo with a female singer, but I'd rather have a female singer take off with it and fly.

I know this song won't make me a millionaire songwriter, but I would like the song to have some life in the outside world. ?

All thoughts gratefully appreciated.

Love True by Tony Jones

Edited January 3, 2022 by ant_in_wales

[KSband]

The track sounds very thin on my system, kind of AM radio sounding. Maybe that's what you were going for?  

[DeeringAmps]

Ant, I'm no "expert" so take this with a grain of salt.

The lyrics are way too busy, you're barely getting each line in, and its not the tempo.
You've got to trim the "fat" here. In this case "less" would be way "more".
No where is it written that lyrics must rhyme or conform to some sense of meter; but most do.
Find the "focus" of each verse and state it; line by line. This is poetry, not prose.
Once you can deliver this without running out of breath, we'll talk about recording...

t

[ant_in_wales]

13 hours ago, KurtS said:

The track sounds very thin on my system, kind of AM radio sounding. Maybe that's what you were going for?  

I thought it sounded alright - I accept that mixing is my weakest area, though.

[ant_in_wales]

13 hours ago, DeeringAmps said:

Ant, I'm no "expert" so take this with a grain of salt.

The lyrics are way too busy, you're barely getting each line in, and its not the tempo.
You've got to trim the "fat" here. In this case "less" would be way "more".
No where is it written that lyrics must rhyme or conform to some sense of meter; but most do.
Find the "focus" of each verse and state it; line by line. This is poetry, not prose.
Once you can deliver this without running out of breath, we'll talk about recording...

t

Thanks Tom

There are a lot of words in there, for sure. I was thinking of something like "Jackson" by Mr & Mrs Cash, which has a lot of words and they bounce along.

Are you saying that I'm trying to stick too rigidly to rhyme and metre, or that I'm not doing so enough?

Cheers      Tony

[DeeringAmps]

Not familiar with Jackson, but Dylan's Subterranean Homesick Blues has a lot of lyrics.
It also has meter and rhyme.
I'm a little old school that way, meter and especially rhyme, are not cast in stone.
BUT, that's how I work. Bear in mind, generally, my collaborator writes the words;
I edit for meter and do melody.
I'd need a lead sheet on this to be specific, but its your tune.
You put it up for review and these are my thoughts/suggestions.
Worth exactly what you paid for them...
I am trying to encourage, rather than discourage.

t

[ant_in_wales]

55 minutes ago, DeeringAmps said:

Worth exactly what you paid for them...
I am trying to encourage, rather than discourage.

 

Thank you - I wasn't being nowty, I just wanted to check. I thought I'd put lots of rhyme in, and that my metre skipped like a pebble over placid pond.
Clearly not.
I fear if I start changing the rhythm, the whole thing will fall apart, like picking at the stitching in a woollen jumper. I need to find me speedier singer, perhaps.