Notes_Norton Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 A new novice joined a monastery. The Abbot, an old guy with a long white beard was showing the new kid around. Here is your room ... here's the library and meet Brother Luke the librarian ... come meet the cook in the kitchen, Brother Mark ... and here is the scriptorium. The novice is looking at over a dozen monks hunched over desks and asks the Abbot what they are doing. And he said they are copying sacred books. When they get done, we sell the one they were copying from and then they copy the copy. It's how we make our living. The originals are kept safe from harm. So the novice asks the abbot "What if they make a mistake? Won't the mistake be copied again and again and again?" The abbot said he would had to think about that. Look, "Here comes Brother James, I'll leave you with him for a while. James, please show the new novice around". Time passes, and nobody can find the abbot. Dinner comes and goes, still no abbot. So they search the abbey and finally find him in the basement library were the original books are stored, and he's crying. James asks, "What's wrong." The abbot replies, I'm reading the original book about our conduct and the correct word is "Celebrate." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 Scientists have found that blondes really do have more fun! They then discovered that blondes also have more diseases... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennywtelejazz Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 Here's a few more I nicked from across town at another forum ? What happened when the Pink Panther stepped on an ant? Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaannnnnnnt. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump. Kenny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulo Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 37 minutes ago, kennywtelejazz said: Here's a few more I nicked from across town at another forum ? What happened when the Pink Panther stepped on an ant? Dead ant... dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead aaaannnnnnnt. Where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage? To the dump to the dump to the dump dump dump. Kenny Well, if we're going that far back, then I'd like to resurrect the following....... What does Batman's mum shout when his meal is ready.......? Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner Batman. Where does the pink panther live? Durham, Durham, Durham, Durham, Duhram, Durham, Durham......... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Joad Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 Two blondes standing on opposite sides of a river, one shouts out "How do I get to the other side?" the second one shouts back "you're already there".... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulo Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 Tonto and The Lone Ranger we’re riding their horses next to some train tracks.. They stop and hop off their horses. Tonto puts his ear onto the tracks and says “Buffalo come”. The Lone Ranger says “how do you know?”. Tonto says “ear stuck to track”. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Joad Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 Tonto and The Lone Ranger are surrounded buy angry indigenous peoples of North America, The Lone Ranger says "Well I guess this is it, we are going to die" Tonto looks at The Lone Ranger and says, "What do you mean we, white man"... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jesse Screed Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 Q: Why did the dope cross the road? A: To get some. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
John K Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 Four nuns are driving cross town to go to the Wednesday night bingo game. Unfortunately a head on collision with a truck. All were immediately killed. Next thing they know, they are at the gates of heaven looking at God. God said, there was a problem since with instant death, there might be sins unforgiven that would keep them from getting into heaven. Since they hadn’t made it to Sunday confession, they might have to go to hell. However, God was there to hear their confessions. If the sin was very minor, God would forgive and they could go to heaven. God would take their confessions in order. The first nun said, well… I did do a minor sin. I saw the private parts of a man. God trembled and almost passed out. When He regained consciousness, He told the nun that this was no minor sin, but was the mortal sin of lust. She had to burn in hell for all eternity. God called his devil assistance and told them to throw her over the cliff into the brimstone pit. The devils were prodding the nun with their pitchforks toward the abyss. The nun pleaded with God. I know you are all forgiving. I just walked into the room when the priest was getting out of the shower. I didn’t mean to watch him. I felt terrible and was going to confess on Sunday. Can’t you do anything? God told the devils to wait, and went into a deep state of introspection. He waved His hand and there appeared a large vessel of Holy Water. He told the nun… Sister, come forward and put your face into the water. Open your eyes and the sins of thy transgression will be washed away. The nun did as directed and her sins were forgiven and she went to heaven. The second nun was up for confession. Well it was like this. I…uh.. I mean… I touched the private pasts of a man. God went into a seizure. His eyes rolled up and foaming at the mouth. He blacked out and fell off His throne. The angels came down flapping their wings to revive Him. God woke up somewhat shaken and didn’t even talk to the nun. He told the devils, go get her boys, she’s yours. The second nun was about to be prodded over the ledge. She cried to God… Hey God, you are supposed to be able to do all things. I’m really sorry for what I did. I felt bad and was really going to do confession on Sunday. I promise I won’t do it again. Please, please. Please… God went into a profound trance. He told the nun that her sin was almost more than even He had the power to forgive. He told her to come forward and wash her hands in the Holy Water that her grievous sin may be forgiven. The nun washed her hands and went to heaven. God said, next. The third nun was about to come up for confession when the nun in the back cut her off and came up next. God was a bit confused. He told the nun that her action wasn’t according to proper protocol. Why did she cut ahead in line. Nun said, I wanted to gargle before she sits in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Notes_Norton Posted September 28, 2020 Share Posted September 28, 2020 A blond and a lawyer were sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The blonde just wanted to sleep. The lawyer said, "Let's play a game, I'll ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer you give me $5, they you ask. She says, "No, I just want to sleep." So the lawyer, says OK, I'll make it more interesting, I'll give you $50 if I don't know the answer, and if you don't know, it'll only cost you $5. This interests the blond. The lawyer asks, "What does nolo contendere mean?" and the blonde silently reaches in her purse and hands him $5. The lawyer says, "Now it's your turn". The blond asks, "What goes up a hill on 3 legs but comes down on 4?" The lawyer gets out his phone and his laptop and spends the rest of the flight trying to answer this one. Meanwhile the blonde is sleeping. When the plane starts to descend for landing, the lawyer wakes the blonde, and says, "I don't know the answer" and hands her $50. Then he asks "OK what is the answer to your question?" and she reaches in her purse and hands him $5. 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitflipper Posted September 29, 2020 Author Share Posted September 29, 2020 I just tried out the "IDK" joke on my teenage granddaughter. She laughed, and then spent the next ten minutes patiently explaining to this pathetic geezer what "IDK" meant. "We short-ended it", she explained. Meanwhile, her mom was rolling with laughter. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc H Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 34 minutes ago, bitflipper said: I just tried out the "IDK" joke on my teenage granddaughter. She laughed, and then spent the next ten minutes patiently explaining to this pathetic geezer what "IDK" meant. "We short-ended it", she explained. Meanwhile, her mom was rolling with laughter. I don’t feel bad, now. Texting with my grandson, I kept having to pull up a texting dictionary. All the while his dad is rolling on the floor with laughter..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 Interesting texting point #1 - Our brains translate WTF, but not LOL. Interesting texting point #2 - It's actually faster for us to say what WTF means because the real words contain fewer syllables. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitflipper Posted September 29, 2020 Author Share Posted September 29, 2020 How about abbreviations that aren't briefer when spoken? "World Wide Web" is three syllables. "WWW" is nine. Twenty years ago, I had to explain to people how to spell "dot". Curiously, "bang" never caught on generally and is still just a geek thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xoo Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 Real web techies pronounce www "dubdubdub" ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wibbles Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 Wib wib wib. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 2 hours ago, bitflipper said: How about abbreviations that aren't briefer when spoken? "World Wide Web" is three syllables. "WWW" is nine. Twenty years ago, I had to explain to people how to spell "dot". Curiously, "bang" never caught on generally and is still just a geek thing. Yep. Always liked bang and knew a guy back in the 70's who always called an asterisk a "splat." When asked why, he would say it's just a period that had been dropped from above the paper (we didn't have monitors back then). ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Notes_Norton Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 Ron had owned a large farm in Florida for several years. He had a large pond at the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 29, 2020 Share Posted September 29, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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