Puns Anyone? Got 'em? Post 'em.

[rfssongs]

Something I did not know when I got married:

I've got a really dirty wife.

But she promises to shower soon.

[craigb]

[Notes_Norton]

I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I'd not seen in years.

"This is Beth," I said, introducing my kid.

"And what's Beth short for?" he asked.

"Because she's only three," I answered.

[Notes_Norton]

What if soy milk is just regular milk, introducing itself in Spanish?

[craigb]

7 hours ago, Notes_Norton said:

What if soy milk is just regular milk, introducing itself in Spanish?

And the meme to go along with that one! ?

[Notes_Norton]

Except I would think milk would more likely be a "herself" instead of a "himself". :D

[paulo]

On 1/25/2023 at 6:49 AM, rfssongs said:

I told my wife I was sorry I was boring her to death.

I mean really there must be a faster way ?

My wife told me to leave and that she hoped I would spend the rest of my years living through a slow and painful death.

I said "make your mind up love, do you want me to leave or not ?".

[craigb]

So, are you guys implying that marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence? ?

[Notes_Norton]

 

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian;

 

well, they're not laughing now.

 

[craigb]

3 hours ago, Notes_Norton said:

 

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian;

 

well, they're not laughing now.

 

Reminds me of this quote which George used to start a video with:

Quote

Hello, my name is George Carlin, and I am a professional comedian. As opposed to the kind you see at work all day long.

?

[Notes_Norton]

I worked on cruise ships for 3 years. Being a comedian is a difficult job.

When I play music, the song is complete even if the audience doesn't applaud.

But if the joke doesn't get a laugh, it just hangs there.

I've seen comedians do the same act week after week putting the audience in tears, and every now and then, a cruise ship full of passengers just sits there silent.

We've had weeks when the audiences were difficult too, but at least the music was complete.

 

[Notes_Norton]

 

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

Only two.

 

The hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.

 

[Notes_Norton]

 

I just found out that I’m color-blind.

 

The news came completely out of the green!

[Notes_Norton]

 

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.

 

He says he can stop any time.

 

 

[Grem]

On 2/2/2023 at 9:03 AM, Notes_Norton said:

 

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

 

Only two.

 

The hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.

 

This one took me minute...

or two.

[rfssongs]

I was reading on the internet that acute liver failure can occur in as little as 48 hrs.

The ugly ones take a little longer.

[Xoo]

On the fly front...

Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

Time flies.  You cannot.  They fly too quickly.

[Notes_Norton]

Apple is designing a new automatic car.

But they’re having trouble installing the Windows!

[Notes_Norton]

 

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

 

Then it dawned on me.

[rfssongs]

On 2/6/2023 at 9:40 AM, rfssongs said:

I was reading on the internet that acute liver failure can occur in as little as 48 hrs.

The ugly ones take a little longer.

And kind of on that theme:

My Doctor said I had acute diarrhea but I disagreed.