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To be or not to be a horse rider, that is equestrian. —Mark Simmons, comedian

Q: What happened to the guy who sued over his missing luggage?

A: He lost his case.

There's a guy in town who walks around talking to himself using only figurative language. We call him the Village Idiom. —Albert Sloan

Hal: How did you get hit on the head with a book?

Sal: I only have my shelf to blame.

What’s the difference between a  poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?




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After dining at a restaurant, a panda discharges a weapon, and walks out. The owner chases after the panda, and asks why it did what it did. The panda pulls out a dictionary and points at the entry for panda: bearlike mammal - eats, shoots and leaves

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I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.


Not puns per se but....

Did you hear about the fire in the clock factory?
There was a lot of second hand smoke.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

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My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? “Curses! Foil again!” Submitted by Paul Stewart, Richmond, Utah

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi

She had a photographic memory, but never developed it.

Need an ark? I Noah guy

I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!


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