Critical Chameleon Posted September 7, 2020 Share Posted September 7, 2020 (edited) Hey guys, hope all is well! I'm working on a new track and it's coming together nicely, I think. I'm doing one last recording session on Sunday before shipping this to mixing. Before doing so I was hoping to get some feedback on text and pronunciation mainly. Since English isn't my mother tounge I just want to make sure I'm not doing any fatal mistakes. I'm yet to add the outro, but other than that everything is included. However, I think I'm changing the lyrics in the first verse. This part (in bold):You're not supposed to be here, I know that we've been tight But that relationship has sailed, you know the reasons why You weren't treating me right and we couldn't go without a fight You're such a mess I guess obsessed with blowing smoke behind my eyes I don't think you can say it like this, can you? What I want to say is that we always fought. But for that to make sense I would have to write like "we couldn't go a day without fight", right? That doesn't work flow-wise so what I'm thinking is changing it to: You're not supposed to be here, I know that we've been tight But that relationship has sailed, you know the reasons why You weren't treating me right and that's why we broke up in a fight You're such a mess I guess obsessed with blowing smoke behind my eyes Here are the full lyrics: Intro. *Humming to melody* *Doorbell* Just a second, be right there *Bang, bang, bang* I'm coming, I'm coming, relax, jeez *Door opening* Oh, it's you The ***** do you want? Nah, I don't want to hear you out Please, just leave Verse 1. Please, leave, I can't believe I have to sit this through You're making me suffer and you agreed that we should quit it too Seeing each other, you had to do it again didn't you? Come to my home even though you know I have forbidden you Remember last time I laughed at your acts and had you ridiculed? And yet you're back, how the hell do I get rid of you? You're not supposed to be here, I know that we've been tight But that relationship has sailed, you know the reasons why You weren't treating me right and that's why we broke up in a fight You're such a mess I guess obsessed with blowing smoke behind my eyes I couldn't care less if you meant it, all I know is I'm alright When I'm alone, please just go stop growing lies inside my mind But it's not easy is it? Listen, it's smart to say farewell We share the same visions these visits make it harder for ourselves But how can you leave me when you're a part of all my cells? I need help, here I'm sittin' and just talking to myself Chorus. We share this bruise So why do you appear so cruel? How are you gonna carry through? If you aren't there for you And if it's scarin’ you You gotta use that fear as fuel You aren't gonna carry through If you aren’t, there for you Verse 2. Listen I've wandered this earth as blind, searching for signs I used to think there's nothing worse having no purpose in life But I was wrong cuz what is worse and yes I'm certain this time Is to hide from your own purpose cuz the hurdles are high To realize you run in circles, and work a disguise You find so perfect, but it isn't and the person inside Knows that it isn't and this person plays games versus your mind I've felt pain, but I swear nothing can hurt me like I I don't know why I'm such a burden and can't service my life How it is a nurturing guy can turn and just murder my rhymes You know my body's burning with pride as I finish a lyric I feel terrific, optimistic, the sky is the limit Then in a blink of an eye I begin to mimic this critic The next minute I'm picnicking with a sinister cynic It's sickening, I'm listening, say I handle it okay This belittling but ***** it man I stand in my own way Chorus. We share this bruise So why do you appear so cruel? How are you gonna carry through? If you aren't there for you And if it's scarin’ you You gotta use that fear as fuel You aren't gonna carry through If you aren’t, there for you Edited September 7, 2020 by Critical Chameleon 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Joad Posted September 9, 2020 Share Posted September 9, 2020 This is very cool, I hear a lot of bands like Sugarhill gang, Sublime ,Macklemore , Beastie Boys.. Keep going you rock? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mark skinner Posted September 10, 2020 Share Posted September 10, 2020 You do better with English than a lot of people I know that were born here ! There are a couple of words that Really need fixing , and they're both in the chorus. The chorus is a real high spot in this song , and since it repeats , it really needs to be right. 1. You cannot hear the word "how" in the line "How are you gonna carry through" 2. It sounds almost like you're saying scarin' "Jew" in the line "and if its scarin' You". The "N" from scariN is getting included in the word Jew also. It's coming out something like "nJew". I'm only listening on a laptop with earbuds , but this is what I'm hearing. I hope this helps. Good song , Good luck .. mark Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critical Chameleon Posted September 10, 2020 Author Share Posted September 10, 2020 55 minutes ago, mark skinner said: You do better with English than a lot of people I know that were born here ! There are a couple of words that Really need fixing , and they're both in the chorus. The chorus is a real high spot in this song , and since it repeats , it really needs to be right. 1. You cannot hear the word "how" in the line "How are you gonna carry through" 2. It sounds almost like you're saying scarin' "Jew" in the line "and if its scarin' You". The "N" from scariN is getting included in the word Jew also. It's coming out something like "nJew". I'm only listening on a laptop with earbuds , but this is what I'm hearing. I hope this helps. Good song , Good luck .. mark Thanks, Mark! Just the feedback I was looking for, really appreciate it. Question is though, how do I make a difference between "you" and "jew". Jew is more like a d-sound at the beginning right? So I'll try to eliminate that as much as I can? Anyway, I'll see what I can do about it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mark skinner Posted September 10, 2020 Share Posted September 10, 2020 You actually sing the word "You" one more time at the end of the chorus before rapping again. If you can't get the first one fixed It may be possible to use the last one in its place (even if you have to pitch shift it). I believe I would have a hard time fixing the bad one without just re singing the one word. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critical Chameleon Posted September 10, 2020 Author Share Posted September 10, 2020 Yeah, I'll re-record it for sure. Also put a note to myself to think about this in the future. My notes are getting long 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Joad Posted September 10, 2020 Share Posted September 10, 2020 Mark is right, the 1st time through I used good phones, but i just went through it with cheap speakers and I heard what he was talking about. it's a cool song dude.. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fred's Gratis Scores Posted September 10, 2020 Share Posted September 10, 2020 (edited) I like this tune and where you're going with it. Rap usually isn't my thing, but listening to this I realized that it's the instrumentation that makes a difference for me (and why I have some Linkin Park on my playlists). I really like your instrumentation, the piano and synth come together with the beat to make a nice landscape to back the rap. I also like "field of vocals" in the chorus. The only thing I would recommend that others haven't already mentioned, is I would recommend using a little mod wheel on the synth in the outtro to bring it in a bit softer and swell up and back down a bit to give it a bit of an orchestra strings feel. It feels that may not be as harsh and fit a bit better with the rest of the song. Having said that, I realize that could be just my preference because orchestra has kinda been my thing lately. I'm interested to hear your final version! Edited September 10, 2020 by Fred's Gratis Scores Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
William E Simmons Posted September 11, 2020 Share Posted September 11, 2020 As I was reading the lyrics while listening to the song everything seemed good to go. There is one issue in the chorus " scarin’ you" which has been mention by Mark. I speak a few languages other than English so I understand how it is to be a little unsure about singing in a "foreign " language. You have nothing to worry about as it is obvious you have a really good command of English. If you want hear something really comedic, I can sing you a line or two in French...lol Many times in songwriting very unusual ways of expressing something are used. Example, "The force that through the green fuse drives the flower" a Dylan Thomas line from a poem. Sometimes saying something in English structured in a manner consistent with another language can be a cool thing. Don't worry, be happy...you are doing great. Cheers, Billy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critical Chameleon Posted September 11, 2020 Author Share Posted September 11, 2020 (edited) Is it possible though to write "You weren't treating me right and we couldn't go without a fight"? Even if it's not perfect english is the meaning behind the words understandable? Hm, came up with an alternative. Probably even better actually. Gotta let it sink in, though recording tomorrow! "You weren’t treating me right, is this a joke to you? Don't smile!" Edited September 11, 2020 by Critical Chameleon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bjornpdx Posted September 11, 2020 Share Posted September 11, 2020 ..and we fought day and night Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Critical Chameleon Posted September 11, 2020 Author Share Posted September 11, 2020 1 hour ago, bjornpdx said: ..and we fought day and night I lose part of the rhyme then. I need to rhyme with smoke/know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Joad Posted September 12, 2020 Share Posted September 12, 2020 Don't over think it, the lyrics have an awesome flow so keep it simple... it doesn't always have to make sense. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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