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Pragi

Some of the jokes are like friends

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Posted (edited)

 

There are situations in life where it is good to hear a joke that brings the situation comedy  into mind.

If you've encountered a joke like this before, this is the place to post.

Please no political jokes (forum rules)

that are at the expense of men, women, marginalized groups, well, you know.

 

 

A man went to the psychiatrist and asked if the good doctor couldn’t split his personality.

“Split your personality?” asked the doctor. “Why in heaven’s name do you want me to do a thing like that?”

“BECAUSE,” the man replied! “I AM SO LONESOME.”

Edited by Pragi

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Is this like wondering what's in "that" folder? 😆

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Posted (edited)

I guess there are many folders in everybodies  personality, happy people are having perhaps only 2 .🤑

Edited by Pragi

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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, told him Vegas was that-a-way and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane, and you have to tell her where I was last night."

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A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up, or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it, or I'll give it to this nice man here."

Finally, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

Is there a good time to tell your dog they are adopted?

I don't worry about losing my mind as I grow older cus I don't miss it very much.

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I always heard that a diplomat was a person who could tell you to go to hell in such a way that you'd look forward to the trip...

Edited by craigb
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'

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It is midnight at the Rotting Saint's Graveyard in Hamburg. All is quiet, when suddenly, there is a rattling noise under one of the gravestones, marked Himlish Humper. Slowly, the stone begins to lift up, and the earth begins to crumble, and a bony hand reaches out into the air.

Slowly but surely, the skeleton of Himlish Humper creeps out of the ground. Himlish brushes the dust off his bones, and then knocks on the next stone marked Hector Herpes.

"Come on, Hector!" cackles Himlish. "It is time!"

Then, from under the stone marked Hector Herpes comes the sound of bones rattling, and slowly the stone lifts up and out slides the skeleton of Hector.

The two skeletons clatter and rattle as they stand up and shake hands.

"We are free!" rasps Himlish. "Let us go!"

The two guys start running and rattling down the streets of Hamburg. Suddenly, Hector Herpes stops dead in his tracks. He spins around and starts rattling back towards his grave.

When he gets there he picks up the huge gravestone and carries it back to where Himlish is standing.

"What the hell are you bringing that thing for?" screeches Himlish.

"Hey!" replies Hector. "You cannot travel in Germany without your papers!"

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There is a huge explosion at the scientific laboratory, and Professor Teddy Testube, the scientist, is blown through the window and knocked unconscious. When Teddy wakes up, he is dazed and confused, but he has a sudden flash of inspiration. He decides to devote the rest of his life to the alchemy of turning regular house bricks into gold bricks.

For ten years Teddy works hard on his project until one day he gets stuck.

"Ah!" cries Teddy to Igor, his lab assistant. "Just one little answer to one last question, Igor, and we will be rich!"

But night after night Teddy's experiments are fruitless. Finally, utterly exhausted and nearly burnt out, Teddy is slumped across his workbench when Igor comes in.

"Don't give up, Professor Testube," exclaims Igor, "I have an idea! Why don't you go and see Madam Weird, the wise woman of Tibet? She will be able to answer your burning question!"

"Great idea!" shouts Teddy, jumping up. And he goes and packs his bags and leaves for Tibet the next morning.

After a long camel ride from Kathmandu, Teddy finally arrives, tired and exhausted, on the doorstep of Madam Weird's mountain retreat. The question is still burning in his mind.

But Teddy is told he must purify himself before he is granted an audience with the wise woman, so for three days, he is forced to live on a diet of Aqua-guard water and raw tofu. Finally, he is admitted into Madam Weird's private bedchamber.

"Welcome, stranger," greets Madam Weird, sprawled across the huge bed in her see-through negligee.

Teddy is shocked and a little nervous, seeing such a beautiful woman way out here in the middle of nowhere.

"I can receive you today," smiles Madam Weird, "because your energy is sufficiently pure, and besides that, my husband has gone to the village for some monkey business. But I can answer one question only, and no more!"

Perspiring, Teddy loosens his collar as he stares at her beautiful, bulging breasts bursting through her see-through negligee. There is much moving of eyeballs and raising of eyebrows, as Madam Weird beckons Teddy to come closer.

"Go ahead," she says in a throaty voice, "ask your burning question."

"Okay!" blurts out Teddy. "Tell me one thing: when will your husband be back?"

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An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

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3 hours ago, Notes_Norton said:

An old guy was working out at the gym when he spotted a young hot girl walking in. He asked the trainer standing next to him, "What machine should I use to impress that girl over there?"

The trainer looked him up and down and said; "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby."

I guess I'm not the only one that recycles! 😁

Deja vu?

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Did you hear about the blind pröśtitůtę?    (← There is more than one way to beat the auto-censor.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You really have to hand it to her.

Edited by Notes_Norton

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Captain Codfish, the old pirate, is in the Stoned Seagull Pub one night, telling stories from his life at sea.

"I had a parrot once," declares Codfish, drinking his rum. "He was the most incredible bird! He could imitate anything - Charlie Chaplin, Jack the Ripper, Marilyn Monroe, Pope the Polack... even Melania Trump!"

"Wow!" says Igor, the barman. "Where is he? What happened to him?"

"Ah!" cries the old pirate. "Times got hard, and I got hungry - I ate him!"

"You ate your parrot?" cries Igor in disgust. "What did he taste like?"

"He tasted just like turkey," replies Codfish. "That parrot could imitate anything!"

 

 

Paddy has a late night at the pub, and when it closes, he staggers outside in a drunken stupor. He wanders around the streets trying to remember which way to go home, and finally gives up. Paddy sits down on the street and looks all around him until a taxi pulls up beside him.

"Ah!" groans Paddy, clambering into the back and lying down on the seat. "Can you take me to number five, Fergus Street?"

The cabdriver looks around at Paddy and replies, "Hey, mister, this is number five, Fergus Street!"

"Ah!" groans Paddy. "Alright! But next time, don't drive so fast!"

Edited by Pragi
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A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

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