bitflipper Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 Got an email from vi-control titled "I hope you took your heart attack pills!" The text went on: "...the heart attack will be worth it, because there's some cool stuff going on at VI-Control this week." Now, I've had three heart attacks. Thinking back on them, I gotta say that not one of them was worth a forum thread, or even a great Black Friday deal. Not even the morphine. OK, I misled you with my own title, so here's some Grandpa humor. That's like Dad jokes but with more miles on them. A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says "I think I might be a typo". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 The Past, the Present and the Future walk into a bar. It was a tense situation! Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder walk into a bar... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitflipper Posted September 24, 2020 Author Share Posted September 24, 2020 Just for Bapu: An A, a C and an E walk into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve minors". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InstrEd Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 7 minutes ago, bitflipper said: Just for Bapu: An A, a C and an E walk into a bar. The bartender says "we don't serve minors". I like this one 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paulo Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we have no bread." Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!" Duck says: "Got any bread?" Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any *****ing bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your *****ing beak to the bar you irritating little shit!" Duck says: "Got any nails?" Barman says: "No" Duck says: "Got any bread? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 A priest, a rabbi and a monk walk into a bar. Bartender: "What is this? A joke?" 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 A big ornery guy walks up to a bar and demands a whiskey. The bartender gives him a shot and he yells "That tastes like p***! Give me a better one!" The bartender gives him another shot and he yells "That tastes like p*** too!" At this point he stops and looks around to notice that the entire bar had gone silent and everyone was looking at him. He looks to his left and yells "All of you are c*** suckers!" then turns to his right and yells "All of you are mother f*******!" For a while nobody moves or says anything, then one wimpy-looking kid gets up and starts to walk towards the guy... "Where the hell do you think you're going??!" yells the brute. "Sorry Sir," replies the wimp, "but I'm on the wrong side." 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Joad Posted September 24, 2020 Share Posted September 24, 2020 A man walks into a bar and says, "I want to buy drinks for everyone in the place except for that ***** bag sitting over there" gesturing towards a woman across the room. The bartender says to the man, "that's not nice, apologize right now and buy her a drink." The man agrees and the bartender says to the woman, "what would you like to drink?" The woman says, "I'll have a vinegar and water."😋 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bitflipper Posted September 25, 2020 Author Share Posted September 25, 2020 That's good. Assuming one takes the time to decipher what the heck "*****" stands for. The way things are going in our hyper-sensitive world, jokes may eventually become indecipherable... So a ****, a **** and a **** walk into a bar. The bartender says ****. Sorry, trust me, it's really funny. I just don't know how to tell a joke. 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Notes_Norton Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 (edited) So a guy tells the bartender to send a drink to that pretty lady at the end of the bar. The bartender whispers "Don't bother, she's a l-e-s-b-i-a-n and the guy tells him to send her a drink. Time goes by and he sends her another then another. He finally gets up enough courage to go put the moves on her so e walks over, sits down beside her and asks, "So what part of Lesbania are you from?" (a rimshot might help). OK here's another.... Did you hear about the blind p-r-o-s-t-i-t-u-t-e? (damn that auto censor) You really have to hand it to her. Notes Edited September 25, 2020 by Notes_Norton God *** ******* auto-censor, :D 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 For Bob. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Joad Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 4 hours ago, bitflipper said: That's good. Assuming one takes the time to decipher what the heck "*****" stands for. The way things are going in our hyper-sensitive world, jokes may eventually become indecipherable... So a ****, a **** and a **** walk into a bar. The bartender says ****. Sorry, trust me, it's really funny. I just don't know how to tell a joke. We are living in a world of extremes... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennywtelejazz Posted September 25, 2020 Share Posted September 25, 2020 (edited) Q: What do you get when you drop a piano into a mine shaft? A: A Flat Miner ......................................................................................................................... Overheard conversation at the hospital in the ICU ward My wife asked me if she was the only one I'd ever been with... I said, "Yes, dear, the others were nines and tens." Kenny Edited September 25, 2020 by kennywtelejazz 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Notes_Norton Posted September 26, 2020 Share Posted September 26, 2020 A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman sitting next to him started to breastfeed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." Finally the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid, make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 26, 2020 Share Posted September 26, 2020 The train was pretty full so the girl had to sit in the very back where there was only one other person sitting, a guy holding a towel. During the ride, the guy sneezed, then surprised her by unzipping his pants, pulling out his manhood and wiping it on the towel! "That's disgusting!" the girl exclaimed! To which the guy replied, "Sorry, but I have a condition where every time I sneeze I have an orgasm." Feeling a bit embarrassed, the girl backpedals and says "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't know. So, are you taking anything for it?" "Yes," the man replies, "Pepper." 😁 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 26, 2020 Share Posted September 26, 2020 20 hours ago, kennywtelejazz said: Overheard conversation at the hospital in the ICU ward My wife asked me if she was the only one I'd ever been with... I said, "Yes, dear, the others were nines and tens." Kenny Kenny, Kenny, Kenny... Did you edit your post to steal the joke I posted? At least mine had an accompanying picture! 😜 THE EVIDENCE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc H Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 A Pistol, Pete walked into a bar..... man that must of hurt when ol’ Pedro ran into that bar.... I have no sense of humor either..... or... you had to be there..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kennywtelejazz Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, craigb said: Kenny, Kenny, Kenny... Did you edit your post to steal the joke I posted? At least mine had an accompanying picture! 😜 THE EVIDENCE! No I saw that someplace else at another guitar forum . a few more, I'm an atheist, and my wife is an agnostic. We couldn't decide which religion to not raise our kids on. Woody Allen Did you hear about the dyslexic Satan worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? Why don't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy. Did you hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine? He's now fully recovered. I used to work at an orange juice factory. I got canned. I just couldn't concentrate. Kenny Edited September 27, 2020 by kennywtelejazz 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craigb Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 Did you hear about the guy who lost his entire left side??? He's all right now. 😁 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
antler Posted September 27, 2020 Share Posted September 27, 2020 (edited) There's a guy sitting there, doing nothing but just staring intensely at his packet of orange juice. His friend comes along and asks what he's doing. The guy explains he's following the 'instructions' on his juice packet: concentrate --- There's a guy at the water dispenser with a cup underneath the water nozzle, shouting and swearing at the machine. Someone comes along and asks if there's a problem with the machine. The guy casually explains that he's trying to get some water - the instructions say depress button to dispense water Edited September 27, 2020 by antler 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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