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Critical Chameleon

The Unwanted Visit (unfinished, looking for feedback)

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Hey guys, hope all is well!

I'm working on a new track and it's coming together nicely, I think. I'm doing one last recording session on Sunday before shipping this to mixing.

Before doing so I was hoping to get some feedback on text and pronunciation mainly. Since English isn't my mother tounge I just want to make sure I'm not doing any fatal mistakes.

I'm yet to add the outro, but other than that everything is included. However, I think I'm changing the lyrics in the first verse. This part (in bold):

You're not supposed to be here, I know that we've been tight
But that relationship has sailed, you know the reasons why

You weren't treating me right and we couldn't go without a fight
You're such a mess I guess obsessed with blowing smoke behind my eyes


I don't think you can say it like this, can you? What I want to say is that we always fought. But for that to make sense I would have to write like "we couldn't go a day without fight", right? That doesn't work flow-wise so what I'm thinking is changing it to:

You're not supposed to be here, I know that we've been tight
But that relationship has sailed, you know the reasons why

You weren't treating me right and that's why we broke up in a fight
You're such a mess I guess obsessed with blowing smoke behind my eyes

Here are the full lyrics:

 

Intro.

*Humming to melody*

*Doorbell*

Just a second, be right there

*Bang, bang, bang*

I'm coming, I'm coming, relax, jeez

*Door opening*

Oh, it's you

The ***** do you want?

Nah, I don't want to hear you out

Please, just leave

 

Verse 1.

Please, leave, I can't believe I have to sit this through

You're making me suffer and you agreed that we should quit it too

Seeing each other, you had to do it again didn't you?

Come to my home even though you know I have forbidden you

 

Remember last time I laughed at your acts and had you ridiculed?                

And yet you're back, how the hell do I get rid of you?

You're not supposed to be here, I know that we've been tight

But that relationship has sailed, you know the reasons why

 

You weren't treating me right and that's why we broke up in a fight

You're such a mess I guess obsessed with blowing smoke behind my eyes  

I couldn't care less if you meant it, all I know is I'm alright 

When I'm alone, please just go stop growing lies inside my mind

 

But it's not easy is it? Listen, it's smart to say farewell

We share the same visions these visits make it harder for ourselves

But how can you leave me when you're a part of all my cells?  

I need help, here I'm sittin' and just talking to myself

 

Chorus.

We share this bruise

So why do you appear so cruel?                                                                        

How are you gonna carry through?

If you aren't there for you

And if it's scarin’ you

You gotta use that fear as fuel

You aren't gonna carry through

If you aren’t, there for you

 

Verse 2.

Listen

I've wandered this earth as blind, searching for signs

I used to think there's nothing worse having no purpose in life

But I was wrong cuz what is worse and yes I'm certain this time

Is to hide from your own purpose cuz the hurdles are high

 

To realize you run in circles, and work a disguise  

You find so perfect, but it isn't and the person inside 

Knows that it isn't and this person plays games versus your mind  

I've felt pain, but I swear nothing can hurt me like I 

 

I don't know why I'm such a burden and can't service my life 

How it is a nurturing guy can turn and just murder my rhymes   

You know my body's burning with pride as I finish a lyric       

I feel terrific, optimistic, the sky is the limit           

 

Then in a blink of an eye I begin to mimic this critic  

The next minute I'm picnicking with a sinister cynic     

It's sickening, I'm listening, say I handle it okay

This belittling but ***** it man I stand in my own way

 

Chorus.

We share this bruise

So why do you appear so cruel?                                                                        

How are you gonna carry through?

If you aren't there for you

And if it's scarin’ you

You gotta use that fear as fuel

You aren't gonna carry through

If you aren’t, there for you


 

Edited by Critical Chameleon
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This is very cool, I hear a lot of bands like Sugarhill gang, Sublime ,Macklemore , Beastie Boys.. Keep going you rock🤩

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You do better with English than a lot of people I know that were born here !   There are a couple of words that Really need fixing , and they're both in the chorus. The chorus is a real high spot in this song , and since it repeats , it really needs to be right.  1.  You cannot hear the word "how" in the line "How are you gonna carry through"   2.  It sounds almost like you're saying scarin'  "Jew" in the line "and if its scarin' You".  The  "N" from scariN is getting included in the word Jew also.  It's coming out something like      "nJew".  I'm only listening on a laptop with earbuds , but this is what I'm hearing.  I hope this helps. Good song , Good luck ..    mark

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55 minutes ago, mark skinner said:

You do better with English than a lot of people I know that were born here !   There are a couple of words that Really need fixing , and they're both in the chorus. The chorus is a real high spot in this song , and since it repeats , it really needs to be right.  1.  You cannot hear the word "how" in the line "How are you gonna carry through"   2.  It sounds almost like you're saying scarin'  "Jew" in the line "and if its scarin' You".  The  "N" from scariN is getting included in the word Jew also.  It's coming out something like      "nJew".  I'm only listening on a laptop with earbuds , but this is what I'm hearing.  I hope this helps. Good song , Good luck ..    mark

Thanks, Mark! Just the feedback I was looking for, really appreciate it.

Question is though, how do I make a difference between "you" and "jew". 

Jew is more like a d-sound at the beginning right? So I'll try to eliminate that as much as I can?

Anyway, I'll see what I can do about it! :)

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You actually sing the word "You" one more time at the end of the chorus before rapping again. If you can't get the first one fixed It may be possible to use the last one in its place (even if you have to pitch shift it). I believe I would have a hard time fixing the bad one without just re singing the one word.   

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Mark is right, the 1st time through I used good phones, but i just went through it with cheap speakers and I heard what he was talking about.

it's a cool song dude..

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I like this tune and where you're going with it. Rap usually isn't my thing, but listening to this I realized that it's the instrumentation that makes a difference for me (and why I have some Linkin Park on my playlists). I really like your instrumentation, the piano and synth come together with the beat to make a nice landscape to back the rap. I also like "field of vocals" in the chorus. 

The only thing I would recommend that others haven't already mentioned, is I would recommend using a little mod wheel on the synth in the outtro to bring it in a bit softer and swell up and back down a bit to give it a bit of an orchestra strings feel. It feels that may not be as harsh and fit a bit better with the rest of the song. Having said that, I realize that could be just my preference because orchestra has kinda been my thing lately. ;) 

I'm interested to hear your final version!

Edited by Fred's Gratis Scores

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As I was reading the lyrics while listening to the song everything seemed good to go. There is one issue in the chorus  " scarin’ you" which has been mention  by Mark.

I speak a few languages other than English so I understand how it is to be a little unsure about singing in a "foreign " language. You have nothing to worry about as it is obvious you have a really good command of English.  If you want hear something really comedic, I can sing you a line or two in French...lol

Many times in songwriting very unusual ways of expressing something are used. Example,  "The force that through the green fuse drives the flower"  a Dylan Thomas line from a poem. Sometimes saying something in English structured in a manner consistent with another language can be a cool thing.

Don't worry, be happy...you are doing great.

 

Cheers,

 

Billy   

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Is it possible though to write 

"You weren't treating me right and we couldn't go without a fight"?

Even if it's not perfect english is the meaning behind the words understandable? 

Hm, came up with an alternative. Probably even better actually. Gotta let it sink in, though recording tomorrow! :)

"You weren’t treating me right, is this a joke to you? Don't smile!"

 

Edited by Critical Chameleon

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Don't over think it, the lyrics have an awesome flow so keep it simple... it doesn't always have to make sense.

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